Expectations and Responsibilities

Our lives are often very scheduled. Our kids need to get out the door on time to catch the bus. Our kids come home from school and have therapies or activities, and they have to get there on time. At the end of the day, everyone is hungry, everyone is cranky. The food has to get prepared and on the table. Then it is preparation for the next day: lunches and clothes. Bedtime is next with a bath and teeth brushing and change of clothes, and…. So, the day is packed and it is just easier to do things on your own. It is faster to put your child's jacket on for him than to wait as he struggles. It is faster to carry his bags for him than to expect him to carry them by himself. It is faster to pick up the clothes and put them in the hamper than to expect him to do it.

We fall into the above pattern, often to the extent that the child becomes a "guest" in the home. That is, there are no expectations that the child assume the responsibility to do chores or to fulfill self help skills independently. This pattern can emerge with typical children as well as children with special needs. However, with the typical child, on the day that you have had enough, you can tell the child to do the chores or the self help skills and he will. It might not be done exactly as you would like it but the essence of the task will get done. However, with our special needs children, they cannot just begin to do the task. They need to be taught. They need to have the steps broken down. Therefore, it continues to be easier to just do it for them. However, when 18 years of age rolls around, if they have not done any of these skills/tasks for themselves, they cannot suddenly be expected to do them. These children need teaching over time not only to learn to do the specific skills but also to know that they have to assume the responsibility. Further, they cannot and will not assume the responsibility if they do not feel competent in the task.

Early on, we need to establish situations for the special needs child wherein expectations are established for the child to assume the responsibility for the task. Initially, it might not be responsibility for a whole task. It might be for a small part of the task. It might not even be for a complete small part of the task as it might be for one aspect of the task. BUT there must be expectations that he assume responsibility. Over time, his responsibilities can grow. Overtime, he can do more of a task. Over time, he can do multiple tasks. BUT without the expectations for participation there will be no assumption of responsibility as the child will allow others to act on his behalf. It is easier for him too!